So, I was at the Used last night, (as many of you all know) and Aaron Gillespy (sp?) from The Almost was all "JESUS LOVES YOU!" and I started freaking out.

First off- There was weed. Lots and lots of weed. I was more than a little contact high ( D: ) I'd prob.y be a total stoner, except whenever I'm high, I have this sudden fear that all my sins are HUGEANTIC, God's gonna start the apocalypse, and Imma go to hell.

So, periodically through out the night, I had moments of "I shouldn't be doing this" especially when I was cussing. ((Which I do a LOT))

And part of me was like "PSH! That Christianity thing is bull." But part of was like "Well... he probly says this every night. If someone cares so much about their faith, that they can hold onto it, in the rock-n-roll life, (they're touring with the Used, for peat sake!) maybe there's really something to this all"

Secondly- I was raised in the church. Church of Christ. It's a rather small religion. and we/they (?) all consider ourselves/themselves (?) non-denominational Christians. Which technically, in of it's self is a denomination. So I just say fundamentalist.... makes things easier.

So- tonight, I woke up around 4, and I had a tweet from Ross Ryan (the guitarist of Life In Electric ((Go check them out [link] )) about how almost no one was there tonight ( D: ) and that wasn't really the big deal.....but he cussed. And suddenly the panic attack like stuff set in. (I was lucky enough to escape this, earlier)

And so I started writing in my diary. It's therapy. It's a safe place where I can get out my personal thoughts, for me. (Very selfish in a way, but unselfish in that I don't have to share my thought with others)and I don't know about you guys, but i enjoy pictures, and chronicling what I found funny/pretty/cute/amusing/important at times in my life, so I print off pictures and glue them in on the left side of the page (also- I don't like writing there, so it takes up otherwise wasted space) But the problem is- I have (had) a lot of yaoi in there.

So I ripped it all out.







Now PLEASE don't get me wrong.- I have gay/bisexual/lesbian/pan friends, I really dislike when people use "gay" as a derogatory term, I was the only kid at my school last year, who participated in day of silence, but sometimes the way I was raised, and what I still think I believe come into play, even though I don't want them to.

((Especially when I'm on a contact high))


Projekt Rev 07, my friend and I were sandwiched between two people smoking pot.....((ewww))I got really, really paranoid and started telling her how her relationship with a girl was bad. (Something I normally wouldn't do)

I moved, several times, lately, and one time, my best friend and I were going through old diaries of mine, and I found one entry where I declared that I hated AFI, because someone told me Davey Havok was gay. I was horribly ashamed, and disgusted at my former self.

Now- I'm not saying that being gay is wrong. I AM NOT SAYING THAT. What I am saying is that being raised religiously can have long lasting holds on a person, even though they want to get away from it. Part of me want to be like "RELIGION I'M GOING TO HEAVEN" and part of me wants to be like "hahahhahahahahhahaha no"




(It's 5:35 am here, so I'm probly not making sense now.)